Elegy.

You may never see this.

And I am not sure what to make of that. This uncertainty does allow me to be certain of one thing, though - I'm not ready for this.

Here I found myself again, anticipating, looking forward to this one particular day. And for what? For the simplest of messages. For the one or two opportunities a year to say hello, once again. Damnit.

There I was, weighing the pros and cons of sending a birthday message. How pathetic. And that's when I realized what a terrible idea it would have been!

Not when each message carries the risk of actual conversation, connection.

Not when each message seems to resound (to me) with the hollow ring of "don't you think it's such a waste?"

Not a chance, man! Not what would amount to slow suicide by attempted "niceness" (or the desperate attempt to maintain a certain image - because if I lost even that then what would I have left at all?) At what cost! And so the answer - for sure; for now - is no.

Let's let things take time. I don't know. Maybe the day I no longer feel a need to write a blog post to explain my actions (or inaction) toward you. When I can say friend and mean it.

One day, perhaps! Until then, allow me this selfishness (the blog post, the inability to eke out even a "happy birthday!") If I could only have handled all this better! Even so. Some mistakes, I think, are worth making.

(You were a mistake worth making.)

Happy birthday, you.
We grow older and hopefully we grow wiser.

And that means this has to be it, for now.
Goodbye, you.